Alright, so you may have already grasped this, but just in case anyone's unaware, no one gets this stuff right all the time. Even if you do get everything I could possibly teach you right, you can and will make mistakes, you'll make wrong choices, you'll let your emotions get the better of you, you'll lose control, or any number of other possible things that will make what I'm teaching you today really, really important.
Today, we're going to talk about apologies.
Let's start by saying that everyone, yes everyone, should learn how to give a proper apology. We've all met the people who think apologies are somehow an admission of weakness or defeat, or those that simply take pride in never apologizing. In general, they're working under the belief that apologies give someone power over you, but that's not really what they're about.
According to Psychology Today, the main purpose of an apology is repairing hurts and wounds in relationships. This is definitely true, and it applies to just about every possible relationship, whether it be something as personal as your relationship with your significant other or family member, a professional relationship, or sometimes even the very impersonal relationships you briefly experience in passing online. Sometimes the wounds are to your own credibility and/or personal honor, and that relationship, the one you have with yourself, sometimes needs healing too.
Now, we all remember as kids being told to apologize and getting away with a half-felt "I'm sorry," or at least I remember that. Maybe I was just a crappy kid and everyone else meant the "I'm sorry"s they gave, who knows. In any case, as adults, we should know by now that "sorry doesn't cut it." A good apology has three major parts; first you acknowledge what you did wrong and explain that you understand why it was hurtful, you state that you intend not to do it again and possibly offer explanation, and then you conclude by inviting them to comment, or follow up with them later at least. Let's take a closer look at those pieces.
An acknowledgment of what went wrong is important, and how you phrase it is also important. The old advice is to use "I statements," like "I'm sorry" and "I said the wrong thing." The key there is to shift the focus of blame onto yourself, rather than shift blame away. That means that apologies that end up being basically "I'm sorry you feel bad," "I'm sorry I was taken out of context," and "I'm sorry you're so weak," are not good. The verbs should be yours. Avoid the passive voice, which is what they call it when "things happen," and avoid shifting blame to the intended recipient.
Just to make it a bit clearer, here's a simple example of a proper acknowledgment. "I'm sorry, I misspoke and I understand that by doing so I made it seem like I blamed you. That wasn't my intention, but I can see that's how it came across."
An acknowledgment alone might cut it, but usually it doesn't. If the relationship is simply a passing one, maybe they'll be fine with that, but any lasting relationship will need a statement about the future. Now, sometimes we make mistakes because of things we can't control; a really good example of that is when a psychological disorder affects our perception to where we fail to follow through on our own values. That happens to me when I experience an extreme adrenal reaction, and I'll say things that I do not mean, that are often untrue. When that happens, I definitely need to apologize, but it also affects what I can say about the future.
That's where explanations come in. When you make a simple mistake that you can learn from, it's fairly easy to say you'll do your best to not let it happen again, and mean it. If you've never made an apology with that kind of explanation, you might want to explore how well you're learning from your own mistakes. When the mistake is something that will be much harder to change, then it helps to better explain yourself, like I did with the psychological issue above. In either case, it should be your goal to do better in the future, and you can tell them that. Here's an example of that portion of an apology:
"I didn't mean to say it like that. I got my wording mixed up and panicked, so I said it wrong. I get that what I said was not okay, and I will do my best to not let something like that happen in the future."
The final step is to invite comment. This is important because part of the function of the apology, part of how it heals those wounds, is to let them know they're being heard. This is where they have a moment to, if they feel it necessary, apologize in return, or simply accept your apology. I don't know of a right way to get this part done, it seems to be entirely based on the context, but the goal here is to let them know that if they need to say something, you can listen.
This is the least fun part of the apology, because you really do need to try to listen. That means you have to be willing to hear them out if they want to more fully explain why what you did hurt them, and that's not fun. It can make you feel even worse, but it is sometimes important to let them do that. If that happens, where they feel the need to make sure you understand how your actions affected them, it is usually a good idea to go through the first two parts again to re-communicate that you understand, and maybe show that your understanding has improved based on what they said.
Finally, there's always the chance it "won't work." No one is obligated to accept an apology, no matter how sincere. If they don't accept it, you can try to ask them why and see if it something that can be addressed. Sometimes they just need time away from the problem, which may mean they need to be away from you, so they can process what happened. Sometimes they're just unwilling to accept. Sometimes they're like the people we mentioned above, where they think they've won by getting you to apologize, and will react in a toxic manner. In any of these cases, or many others, it's alright to go ahead and end the conversation there for a while. If the relationship involved is one that matters to you long term, be sure to gently follow up with them after you've given them some time.
Now, let's cover some aspects of apologies that I didn't get into with just the structure. First, an apology is not truly about them. It's about you, how you did something that caused unnecessary harm, or even necessary harm. Even if they can't accept your apology, it will help you learn from your mistakes and learn to trust yourself if you apologize. It also may help others who witness it to understand that you're willing to admit when you're wrong, which is an important trait to have if you're trying to learn more about the world around you. Secondly, there are some tools that do not work well for apologies. If you absolutely need to text your apology, don't make it complex, that might lead to them reading into it and result in another miscommunication. A simple "I'm sorry for ____" will work, but be sure to follow up later in a better format. The same generally applies to Tweets or anything else with a character limit. If you can, take it to direct messaging, an email, or another more fluid method of communication, like a phone call. Finally, please remember to take your own mental health into account. If you're not ready to talk about part of your personality or psychology that leaves you prone to make a certain kind of mistake, then don't force yourself, just focus more on the "I'll try not to do it again" part. If the other person is being toxic, feel free to cut the conversation short, and maybe follow up later. An apology is an action of strength, not weakness, so don't let people use it to walk all over you. You're worth more than that, and that's really why we apologize, because we can be better, we want to be better, and we will be better.
To sum up: apologize when you screw up, which you will do, because we all do. Acknowledge what you did or said, how it affected the other person, and that you will try to do better. Let the other person say their piece if you can, so that you fully communicate that their feelings and well-being matter to you. And don't let people use the fact that you apologized to hurt you. Just because you screwed up doesn't mean they get to treat you badly, it just means you're human, and frankly, if you can apologize you're better than many, and better than you were, so hold your head up high.
Alright, that's all for today. As I've said before, if you're following along I will "see" you in the next post, and have a great day. Goodbye!
