I don't normally write anymore, not unless I have to. There are a lot of reasons for that, but I'm breaking that self-imposed silence now with the hope that someone will hear what I have to say, and learn how to help someone else.
To start, Robin Williams was the voice of my childhood. When others were watching action heroes and reading comic books, I was watching Aladdin and Mrs. Doubtfire, and trying to "do voices" as he did. He was not my singular inspiration, and I'll admit I largely moved on from following his career after a point to search out other voice actors to learn from (indirectly of course). Still, his talent and passion was evident to anyone who saw any of his performances, whether they be live, film, or animation. He brought happiness, hope, and joy to to many, and in my opinion was one of the greatest actors and comedians this nation has ever known.
I'm writing this not a full hour after hearing the news. However, the world around me is already teaming with replies to his apparent cause of death: Suicide. I really don't like to do this, but I feel it's important, in order to help others, to share my side of a suicide story.
For a little over a year now I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder with Panic Symptoms. It's very common for people who struggle with that disorder to have suicidal thoughts and tendencies, and I am no exception. For a few years before my recent diagnosis, I struggled with a similar mental disorder, possibly due to the post-adolescent hormonal imbalances in my brain. In any case, I've had to deal with suicidal thoughts for a long, long time.
In addition, because of who I am and how I interact with others, I've been on the other side of a suicide phone call as well. Let me start by saying this: the best thing you can do if you are alone and hurting so bad, whether it be from loneliness, physical pain, fatigue, emotional pain, loss, despair, depression, or any other cause, that you are considering hurting yourself or ending your life, is to call someone who cares. Suicide hotlines are a wonderful resource, and personal lifelines in the form of friends, family, or other loved ones who know you might need to call to save your life are even better. I've used such lifelines, and yes, they've saved my life, and I am forever grateful to those who have had the grace, courage, and understanding to sit with me on the other side of the phone during those times.
As I've said, I've also been the one sitting with another as they struggle with the idea of killing themselves. I'm thankful that it's been a relatively rare occurrence, and that everyone that's called me is still alive to this day. Call me stupid religious, but I still thank God for the words He gave me to walk them through it. However, I think it's time for me to speak out against a few "helping words" that are always given out during times like this. The following phrases are not helpful, and have in fact driven me and some I've spoken to further towards ending it. They're true, and make for a good diatribe when someone is not actively considering suicide, but I'm going to explain why they can be some of the worst things possible to say to someone who called you for help.
1) "Suicide doesn't mean it won't get worse. It does mean it won't get better.
This particular phrase has been told to me, and circulated around the internet, by many people. From a philosophical and logical standpoint, it's completely true. As one of the psychologists I had the pleasure of being counseled by put it: "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem."
The problem that arises here is that there are very few stupid people that struggle with suicide. In fact, if you look at many of those that commit suicide, they're exceedingly intelligent. Most of us realize, especially if we know to call someone during the worst of it, that the choice of suicide is not logical. Many of us even understand that it's probably a chemical reaction in our brain that's just hindering our mental ability to perceive long-term emotional states such as hope, joy, and peace. We understand that, and we understand that we're only ensuring that it won't get better. We usually don't care.
See, the problem that people don't seem to understand unless they've been there is that a person actively struggling with suicide is at their last resort. They've lost the ability to see that things can get better. To them, no, to us, the fact that things won't get better won't change whether we live or not. Attempting to remind us of that just sounds like you think we're so stupid or ignorant that we weren't aware that suicide is permanent. We're aware.
2) "Suicide is so selfish; you're hurting those you love"
Chances are if someone is considering suicide, they don't think very highly of themselves. They don't think they bring anything of value to the world, or at least not enough. Otherwise, say our minds, why would the world let us suffer to the point of breaking like this? Calling them names such as "selfish" usually doesn't help the issue. I don't think I need to go into more detail. Assume the person you're talking to needs to know their worth, not their possible mistakes.
3) "You just need to..."
There is a major problem with people who have not been at their very end. For some reason, they think that those of us who struggle with suicidal thoughts have not bothered to become educated on the matter. Granted, very few of us have a doctoral degree in psychotherapy, but tips and tricks for suicide prevention are literally plastered everywhere, from social media to subway station walls. I've seen buses, billboards, magazines, tweets, status updates, songs, videos, and even the odd T-shirt or two telling me what to do to help prevent suicidal thoughts.
These tips include: "look on the bright side/see the silver lining." "Think of your family" "Take deep breaths" "Get some exercise" "Get something to eat" "Take a nap" "Lower your stress level" and many others.
These tips are exceedingly useful in a daily maintenance sort of fashion. If you do these things daily, you're less likely to hit that point where you're going to want to kill yourself. However, if your loved one is on the phone with you telling you that they want to end it, they've probably tried enough of these to know they don't work if you try them at the last minute. Please, don't tell them what to do. They need a friend/family member/lover/etc. Not a boss.
4) "Suicide is weak. You're stronger than that."
If you are ever so ignorant as to say something like this, please go find a school that teaches basic psychology and take that course over and over until you have memorized the book. If you've been there, you know that no amount of personal strength, emotional, mental, or physical, makes it easier. It's your own mind attacking you, and it has every strength you do, and knows your weaknesses. It doesn't fight fair, it doesn't play nice, and no, sometimes you're not strong enough to do it on your own. That's why they called you. They need your help.
Finale: What you really can do to help save a life.
BE THERE FOR THEM! If they call you, they might actually have something to say. Talk WITH them about it, not to them. Let them tell you what's wrong, and accept the fact that no matter how trivial their problems may seem to you, they are so important to them. These problems have caused their world to collapse, and yes, hopefully they'll get better soon, but soon isn't now. Help them understand that you're there with them, that you want to be with them, that they're not alone. A burden that crushes one person can sometimes be carried easily by two people. If they don't want to talk, then sit with them, or talk with them, whichever makes them more comfortable. A Suicidal episode is usually fairly temporary. I've stayed on the phone for hours and hours to be sure, and it's always best to make sure that either you or someone else is there to physically be with them if at all possible, but don't give up. If they say sorry, forgive them. If they called you, take care of them, if only for a few moments.
The final thing you can do, and it's not a pretty one, is to get help for them if it seems that they're going to go through with it anyway. If that is the case, if what they say puts them in immediate danger, don't hesitate to call the authorities. I can speak from personal experience, it took me a long time to forgive the first person who threatened to call to have me picked up. I hated them for a long time, but I will always be thankful that they were willing to do what was necessary to save me from my own violence.
I don't normally talk about my issues publicly. I don't normally own up to struggling with suicide. I even understand that I'll probably be hurt by people trying to "help" me because of this, but frankly, a little bit of pain for me, even if it leads me to having to make another last ditch phone call, is worth the possibility of whoever reads this maybe, just maybe, saving someone they love, or even saving themselves.
To those who, like me, still struggle with this: please remember that you don't have to handle this alone. Even if you do not have someone you personally trust with this, there are phone numbers you can call, emails you can email, I'm sure there's even Twitter accounts to help you out. If you have a phone, you can call 1-800-273-8255, the national suicide prevention hotline. If you don't have minutes, you can call 911, and I will promise you that they will help.
Thanks to everyone who decided to read this, and I hope you can use my experience to help someone.
-DraknusX
