I've recently been faced with something that comes up every now and then, and I wanted to both examine why it affects me and prepare an answer for people who ask that question.
As happens during any period of heavy protesting, a number of people have decided to purposely violate the US Flag Code, with the intention being to dishonor, disrespect, or otherwise desecrate the flag so as to insult or piss off other people, usually those that use the flag and/or patriotism to justify bigotry, or extreme forms of nationalism that, frankly, kinda go against the ideals that the flag stands for, things like "liberty and justice for all."
But when I see it, it hurts. It really, really hurts. As an example, someone I respect on a video sharing site came to the conclusion that, due to some recent decision by the administration of the nation, he could no longer in good conscience fly the flag he had flown outside his home, not until things changed. I respect that, personally. I think if you feel like you can't support the flag, you shouldn't fly one. But then he ended the video not simply with taking the flag down, but purposely throwing it on the ground. That's his right. Actions toward one's personally owned flag are generally protected speech, and I will stand by that judgment. I may not like what someone does with their rights, but if they're not causing significant harm, well, I did sign up to fight for their rights what seems lifetimes ago, so I'll accept it at least.
But when it hit the ground, it felt like a physical blow to me. It was like someone had punched me in the gut, while dumping me. What I'm saying is that it hurt, badly. I know that wasn't his intention, to hurt me, so I had to ask, why do I feel so horrible? Why do I feel this way at all?
I figured it out backwards, but I'll explain it forwards, so let's start with some background information.
This explanation relies on a concept from anthropology and psychology called "socialization." This is the usually gradual process in which we, as human beings, develop our sense of self. Note: not self-awareness, that's a separate concept. For the purposes of using nice simple terms, we can call our sense of self our cultural and psychological identity. It's developed using the influence of the culture around us as well as psychological influences, everything from your parents to school to friends to job, etc.
It's during this time that you will develop your foundational beliefs, and you will come to identify with certain things. I can go into foundational beliefs at another time, they're a concept all on their own that I probably should cover, but for now, we're looking at the concept of identifying with something, or developing a particular identity. You'll see this show up a lot in recent gender studies: your gender identity is how you see yourself in relation to the gender norms you perceive around you. Don't get on my case about what gender is or anything like that, just accept that identity is a thing. It's the pieces of who you believe you are.
So, normally your identity, your sense of self and how it relates to the world around you, is developed and changed gradually, over years and years. That's socialization, as I mentioned before. However, there are times in which it becomes advantageous or even necessary to rapidly change that identity. Don't try to do it yourself, if you're remotely successful you'll just push yourself into a psychological break. No, the process to do that is known as re-socialization.
Where as socialization is slow and relatively smooth (I did mention trauma plays a part earlier, right?), re-socialization is generally much faster, and is very, very harsh. One of the most effective and oddly safest forms of re-socialization can be found in United States Military Initial Entry Training. Depending on the branch it's called a few different things, for me, because I was in the Army, it was called Basic Training. There's a lot more science and care put into this process than most people realize. Drill Sergeants are essentially experts at not only training you, but rebuilding who you are.
To do this, they can't just expose you to the kind of person they want you to be and wait for nature to take it's course, no, they gotta get this done in a few months max. The process essentially functions by ripping out parts of who you are, your identity, and replacing them with the identity of "soldier," "service member," "patriot," and so on. It's not an exact science, but it's generally effective. By using their current techniques they're generally effective in removing tendencies towards various forms of discrimination, as well as the tendency to be individualistic. Instead of being just on your own, you learn to identify as part of something bigger than yourself. For an infantryman, that goes as follows:
I am a Soldier, I am part of a battle buddy pair, I am part of a fire team, I am part of a squad, I am part of a platoon, I am part of a company, I am part of a battalion, I am part of a brigade, I am part of a division, I am part of the Army, I am part of the military, I am an American.
All of those self-identifications are pushed into you, while stuff like "I'm a rebellious douche-nozzle" tends to be removed.
Now coming back to my particular experience and why it affects me today. I was socialized in a family led by a veteran and a navy kid. We were always pretty patriotic. As a result, I already felt I was part of this county, I saw myself in America. Going through Basic, I learned to see myself in the Army, but I also had something from my childhood reinforced. See, the Flag of the United States does not stand for its government, or its people, or its own existence. It stands for "the republic," meaning everything the United States is, was, and should be. So even when I saw a kid, I saw myself a little in that flag.
In the military, they teach you the harsh realities of what you are signing up to do. One of those is simply this: if you die in uniform, your family may not receive a body, but they most definitely will receive a flag. When my father died, my mother was presented with his flag, the flag that had been there to represent the grateful nation, his service, and his life. That flag will never fly again. It will serve as a replacement for my father's physical form. And one day when I die, whoever I leave behind will probably receive one for me.
See, quite unintentionally, I learned to see myself in the flag almost literally. The American Flag is as much a part of how I see myself as my faith, my height, even my name. I identify with that flag on a deep psychological and emotional level, and I am not the only one. Oh, no I am not talking about the people who, in violation of the flag code wear garments made to look like they were made of the flag, and wave the flag, and have "support the troops!" signs in their yard or whatever. Some of them may identify with the flag, but that's not who I'm talking about.
I know that there are people like me who love this country, who want it to become the best country in the world, and live up to its promises like "liberty and justice for all." We don't use the flag to justify bad shit. In some ways, we see it as a promise that it is our duty to help fulfill. Because we're part of it. If America is not living up to its name, we're part of that. If America is grieving, we're part of that. If America is in crisis, we are part of that. And we are part of that flag. One day, that is all that will be left of us here.
So when I see the flag purposely disrespected, dishonored, desecrated, it hurts. It falls like a blow to my heart, because even though I can understand that to the person doing it, it means something else, that's my family, my father, myself. I have no control over this, and I definitely didn't choose it, but it is part of who I am as a person, and since the only person it hurts is me, I don't see a reason to change it.
I wrote this all out because someone asked me for an explanation as to why I would ask that original person to please, since it can't be flown any more, give it the basic respect of turning it in to be disposed of properly by either a military unit or a veterans organization. So the above is all the background on that explanation, but the final answer is shorter and simpler.
If a person can, through little or no effort, do something that saves others from emotional pain, they should. It doesn't take much. If you know someone who has different preferred pronouns than you would normally use for them, it doesn't take much effort to use their preferred pronouns, and it saves them pain. If you know people who don't like you to use certain words around them, don't use them around them. If you might have the urge to use a racial slur in anger or jest, don't. It doesn't take much effort, and it saves other people pain. Whether you understand why that pain is there, or believe they are being reasonable or not, that pain is real, and a tiny bit of effort on your part leaves that much less pain in the world.
You know what else is pretty easy to do? Follow the flag code. Believe it or not it does not require you to do anything unless you choose to own a flag. So if you don't like the flag, leave it alone. If you do like the flag, and you decide to get one, treat it with respect. If you did like the flag, but do so no longer, have it properly disposed of, and no, that does not mean just set it on fire, there is ceremony to go with it. Most military units and veterans organizations will do so for free if you don't want to do it yourself, just hand it off to them. The Flag Code does not require you to stand for the national anthem, or fly a flag of your own, or do anything to or for a flag that you are not otherwise responsible for, either by owning it or as part of your job. So, it doesn't take much effort to follow, believe me. And from that little bit of effort, you save people like me some pain.
That being said, the Flag Code is a law in name only. Violating the flag code is protected speech, for the most part. It is your right to disrespect, dishonor, and desecrate the flag if you so choose. I took an oath to protect the constitution, I served knowing I was fighting for constitutional rights, and although seeing it happen hurts me and I don't like it, I will support your right to do it until the day I day. I do not condemn those who choose to act in this manner, because their speech is their business to control, not mine. So let me make this clear: do not attack someone for doing those things and say it's because of what I have shared with you here. That's not how this works.
Here's how it works: if you have an opportunity to desecrate the flag or show it respect, you have to make the choice knowing that what you do has consequences beyond just you. Just like so many other choices, you are now better informed. My only request is simple: if you don't like the flag, please leave it alone. If you choose to have a flag, treat it properly. If you choose to rid yourself of a flag, please do so honorably. That is a request, not a demand. You may live your life as you see fit, but at least for me, I know that I have done what I can to help people understand why it means so much, and hurts so much, when I see that happen.
Thanks for reading. God Bless You if you'll let Him, and have an otherwise great day.
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