Disclaimer: This is the third of three posts that I wrote in the spring of 2018 regarding violence involving firearms, then-current arguments regarding possible solutions, and the information that, given the research I had been able to do up to that point, might actually lead to the most effective solution possible, for both short and long term. This time, I attempted get to the heart of the matter. I cover the a few of the most powerful underlying causes of mass violence, and many other violent crimes. Thankfully, I also cover a potential cure for it all as well. Hold on tight, this one's interesting.
This entire concept started to come together after I saw an interesting post on Facebook. It was about a tool that a teacher had developed to identify lonely students, obviously with the hope of helping them. She would ask the class to anonymously submit a piece of paper with the names of students they wanted to sit next to the following week, and note who's names weren't showing up much, and especially if someone's name used to show up a lot, but not this week. As one might expect, she started this the Friday after Columbine.
This led to a friend of mine asking "Well, what do you do after you find them? How do you break their isolation?" To learn how to fix something, you first have to learn about it, so I decided to start looking. The conclusions I came to, after hours and hours of research, comparing experiences with people, and running it past people I trusted, were disheartening to say the least. Let's first cover the causes.
Mass violence is largely caused by a lack of sympathy. This seems overly simplified, and somewhat ignorant, but hear me out. Sympathy is that thing that tells us not simply how others might be feeling (that's empathy), but how to predict how they'd feel given our similarity. To put it more simply, it's what makes us think "Well, if someone punched me in the fact, I wouldn't like that, so I probably shouldn't punch that person in the face." It's based in the realization that we are not alone, that we're in fact very, very similar. It's what makes the difference between seeing someone as a thing and instead seeing them as a person.
So, what happened to sympathy? Sympathy is not actually a naturally occurring thing. Empathy is, and so a very simplistic version of sympathy is common in children. "Hatred is learned" is generally proven by showing this behavior. But sympathy must grow with the individual, must be nurtured and encouraged, and must have the proper foundation. That foundation is destroyed by isolation. Isolation is what causes a bully to bully, what causes a victim to break and lash out, what causes the abused to become an abuser to another. In short, although it's not the *only* issue, isolation is possibly the most powerful cause behind all of the mass violence we've seen in recent years.
So where did it come from? We made it. We planted the seed, we watered and fed it, and we watched it grow all without realizing what we'd done. By we I mean our culture, our nation, our society. There were three prongs to the attack against sympathy, and all of them are driven home while we're growing up.
The first prong was developed in the hope of making the world a beautiful place. You see, we saw the damage that conformity could do: racism, bigotry, hate crimes, all of the worst of humanity seemed to stem from the overemphasis on conformity we placed on our children. We still see a fight against conformity today, but one of the biggest weapons we developed against conformity was just two simple words, repeated over and over, to growing children: "You're Special."
There are a number of myths and beliefs that I'm going to challenge in this article, and none more important than this. Take a moment to say, even without believing it, that you're not special. It stings, it feels wrong, it goes against so much of what we were raised to believe. Well, at least that's how it feels when I do it. Allow me to be clear: you are not special, I am not special, and the fact that we are not special gives us the power to change the world for the better. Allow me to explain: the "You're Special" theme of child rearing became very popular some time ago, sometime after World War II, when the Baby Boomers were the first generation to actually be able to be artists on a large scale. They passed this on to their kids, because there could be nothing more wonderful than believing you're special, right?
Wrong. If you take a few minutes to Google "You're Special Psychology", you'll find out that somewhere between 10 and 20 years ago, the psychological community started to really question this belief in being special, and noting it's destructive tendencies. The basic concept is that when you raise a person with the "You're Special" it will generally have two effects. The first is to convince them either that they are better than everyone else, or that they should be. Both states of mind lead to brokenness, either because you have to wonder why things aren't working out perfectly for the most amazing person ever, or you have to wonder why you're not perfect when you're supposed to be. It breaks kids every day, and we know it. It's in our literature, just as much as we try to defend it, we know that it's a problem.
The second effect is much more subtle, but so much more problematic. The concept of being "Special" is basically one that says that the real value you have as a person is in being unique, being different. You end up focusing on that difference, focusing on maintaining it, whether it be something like geekiness, or superiority at a sport, or a talent, or whatever made you think you were simply "special." It becomes everything. It's not even something we notice, but slowly, we find it harder and harder to remember that we're not alone, that there are other people so much like us right there, that we need to be part of their lives and need them to be part of our lives. When the only way you feel valuable is to feel different, you become isolated.
Now, this isn't a 100% thing with every kid raised this way. I doubt that most of the people reading this are so isolated because they need to focus on their difference from others, but it's just a part of your mind. For those who truly depart from their communities, those that decide to murder others in great numbers, the effect is probably a bit stronger. It's not a psychological disorder, it's not a mental illness, it's a failure to perceive the whole picture of the intent behind "You're Special." Our parents wanted us to grow up with confidence, without the need to conform to feel comfortable, and it just went farther than they could have expected.
Now, you might ask why this didn't seem to blow up 40 or 50 years ago like it is today. That's where the other two prongs come in. There were two other factors that, for generations, acted as a balance against the anti-conformity movement, that have since died. Let's look at the killers.
The big one that everyone is tired of hearing about is tests. The No Child Left Behind Act of 2001 cemented it, but it started earlier. Schools used to be areas of conformity, and not necessarily in a negative light. Yes, those that were noticeably different were persecuted, but there were positive aspects to conformity as well; things like school spirit, patriotism, teamwork, etc. Somewhere in the 90s (I think) we started to move away from a conformity culture in schools to a competitive culture. Tests were something to be beaten alone, group projects were a practice in manipulating others to get the work done, even Phys Ed turned from teamwork to competition. These weren't really new concepts, but they took over the schools. Suddenly a student, who is already worried that they're not special enough, is focusing on doing everything alone. No helping each other. Group work especially was broken; it became an attempt at balancing those that would work just to be the best, and those that already thought they were the best and so didn't work well enough, and then tying it all together to appear to be a single project.
Back in the 50's, the hope for America was in schools. Look at the science fiction from back then: you'll find examples of everyone growing up in school, and being better for it. We didn't adopt the dark, distopian version of schooling for a while yet, because we didn't know they were going to fail. But fail they did, and now our education system is so broken that many consider it a lost cause. (Don't get too disheartened yet, we'll get to the good news later).
The other killer was the isolation of the parents. Only a few decades ago, the norm was for parents to have so many resources available to them. There was an entire class of citizens, albeit small, that made their careers all about raising children. Yes, I'm talking about Nannies and other similar persons. These were people who specialized in bringing a child up, true experts simply from experience, that would help people out. They got demonized because people thought it was too impersonal of parents to hire someone else to do their work. The concept of "A village raises a child" was lost. It was replaced with "Don't you tell me how to raise my child." Child-rearing became the soul responsibility of the parents. Do yourself a favor, go ask any friends you have that are parents of children, and ask them if they know what they're doing. Most will openly admit that they have no idea, but so few have any resources to help them.
The few experts on child-rearing that remained were either relegated only to work for the highest economic classes, or became our modern teachers. The problem is that there is no obligation or incentive for parents to actually listen to them. You could literally have multiple teachers, the school counselor, and the principal all tell a parent that their kid should go to therapy, but until that child has been neglected or abused by legal definition, there's really nothing that can force the parents' hand. On top of that, accepting help was stigmatized, with people claiming that a mother specifically was both a bad woman for being a stay at home mom and a bad mother for being a working woman. No help, and absolute authority, leaves parents pretty much on their own, and unaware that they really could use the help.
Parents can be wonderful people. They are the ones that will treat each of their kids the most differently, because they're the ones most aware that the kids are different. When they're the only one in control of their kids' development, that means that there's no consistency from child to child. The saddest part is that most of the parents are honestly doing their absolute best, they were just told that they have to do it on their own, or they're not trying hard enough. That lack of consistency, the lack of consistency in schools, and the focus on uniqueness among children can lead to a painful level of isolation.
Isolation breeds destruction. A boy that comes from a difficult home situation, feeling that he's the only person who feels this pain, may take it out on others. He becomes a bully. Some of his victims will turn around and continue that cycle. Others will continue to isolate until their entire world collapses on them. The end results are not pretty. Check the statistics: suicide rates among teenagers, those who are feeling the full effects of the isolation thanks to the natural changes their body goes through, are hitting record highs. And sadly enough, those are the ones that break and choose not to take it out on others. Thanks to the sheer numbers, it's a statistical inevitability that there will be reactions that are violent towards others, rather than simply towards themselves. Is this the only cause? No. Does it absolve them, their bullies, or anyone else of their choices? No. But today we're trying to learn how to reduce the damage, to make the world safer, so this is the biggest problem that might be able to be tackled.
Now we get to the good news: we know the cure. Well, not quite a cure, the violent among humans are still a statistical certainty, but we can lower that risk significantly. Let's call it a vaccine.
The Vaccine For Violence. Has a ring to it.
The vaccine for violence is community. To kill the isolation, we need to do what the isolation stops us from doing: acting like we're not alone.
Some teachers are already ahead of the game. I'm blessed to be the brother of a woman who is not only a teacher, but was a nanny, and is a parent. She's seen the progress being made, she's been a part of it. I can't go into detail, mostly because as a non-expert in that particular field, I don't have the knowledge yet. I can tell you that the two concepts that seem to be the most helpful, that are being actively applied already in some schools, are "Inquiry/Problem based learning" and having a "growth mindset." It's not perfect, but it's progress, so there's hope.
Let's deal with the good news that we may not want to hear. What can we do?
Well, the first thing you can do is stop focusing on what you shouldn't do. Allow me to explain. Every time you answer the question of "What can I do?" with "Well, don't do this," you basically don't help at all. Restricting behavior alone won't fix anything. Simply saying "don't be a bully" isn't enough, we know that because we've been saying it for decades and bullying is just as bad as ever. Instead, look for what you can do, replace behaviors, be pro-active, not reactive.
The second thing you can do is face the reality of your relationship to your community. There's a huge myth that's believed across the world that you need to be proud of your community in order to take pride in it. To take pride in something, like your work, doesn't require for it to be praiseworthy. You take pride in your work before you do it. You start with the belief that you can do something great, and then move on. The same concept applies to your community.
Your community isn't just your neighborhood, either. Community is any level at which you and others refuse to believe that you're alone. Your family, your school, your friendship group, your workplace (yeah, I know some adults are reading this too, scary huh?), your hobby groups, and of course, your nation. Let me tell you, I am not proud of the USA right now. I am a proud American, because I take pride in my nation. I see my nation as sick, and it's probably self inflicted. I'm saddened by my nation. But I take pride in my nation in this: I will not give up on her. The US is not yet a lost cause, not while I, and the millions of people who are willing to work to save her, have breath in our lungs. To borrow some words, we are pressed, but not crushed; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.
One of my favorite TV shows of all time is called The Newsroom. The first few minutes of that series has become viral. I'll link the video below, but the end of it is a grown, proud American saying simply "the first step towards a solution is to admit that there's a problem. America is not the greatest country in the world anymore." We're not, we lost our fire, but we still have a spark, and if we work together, we can become great again. And before you ask, no, no president is going to facilitate that. No single citizen is going to do it. We can make this country better, but only if we stop believing that we have to do it alone.
As with any concept, there's often a less lovely view here. I want to make this clear before I start the next section: there is no reason to believe that these problems are your fault. Will Smith recently pointed out a wonderful truth: it doesn't matter who's fault it is, but it's "for damned sure" our responsibility to choose what we're going to do about it. Take a few moments and try to let go of that need to find fault, and then take a deep breath, and brace yourself for a very ugly mirror.
If you're reading this, I'm betting you've seen the risk factors yourself. You know someone who's isolated. You know someone who's a victim somewhere along the line. You've turned the blind eye, because it's not your fault. Like I said, it's not your fault at all, but you need to choose what you're going to do. Look for the signs of isolation: look for the victims of bullies, but also look for the bullies. Look for those who might need to be reminded that they don't have to do it all alone, and yes, that includes the mean ones.
I'll give you some pro-tips, things you *can* do, rather than things you shouldn't do, and I'm going to do it as dramatically as I can, because that's how we'll all remember it.
You want to stop the violence? Make a friend. Be the break in isolation that you and others need. Show honest care and love to others. Deny the lie that anyone has to walk through this alone by offering to walk with them.
You want to stop the violence? Stop fighting against things, and start working for things. Work for family, community, friends, your local government, charities, or just people that might need help. Can't work in normal ways? That's great. Remember: your value doesn't come from your uniqueness alone, but that doesn't mean that your uniqueness is remotely bad. If nothing else, do what I do: do small things to make people smile, and take requests from time to time.
You want to stop the violence? Build community. Join a club, invite others to join. Start a club, if you can. Communicate with others around the world, make friends that you may never have made, oh, and the big kicker: cultivate friends that don't agree with you. Best way to remind yourself that you're not alone is to open yourself up to new and different viewpoints. Remember: you don't have to actively support someone if you agree with them, you don't have to agree with someone to understand them, and you don't have to understand someone to accept them. Don't let your differences divide you; let them make your community that much more complete.
You want to stop the violence? Share stories. Stories are really what allows us to connect all over the world, and even through time. Every person's story is unique, and every unique story might just have new lessons, or might reteach old ones. Share your favorite books, movies, games, TV shows, songs, even pictures. Connect to someone by sharing an experience in another world. My closest friends have always been those that shared a very special book with me. Rarely if ever the same book, but always memorable. Our stories remind us of who we are, and sharing stories reminds us of how wonderfully diverse, and yet wonderfully similar, the world really is. It may be a small world after all, and getting smaller by the minute thanks to new communications and travel technology, but the worlds we hide inside our minds and souls are vast and beyond number. Go share one.
You want to stop the violence? Love people. A little game I like to play is to see how many smiles I can make in a day. Most days it's maybe one, but some days I get to make a lot of them, on the faces of friends, family, loved ones, enemies, even strangers. Make the world a better place, one act of kindness at a time.
We have a long way to go, and I'd be lying if I said it's going to be anything like easy, but many hands make light work, and as I've pointed out over and over: we are not alone.
I'm finally done with this series. Thank you so much for reading. God bless if you'll allow Him, and in any case, I hope you have a good day.
- Draknus.
PS: no sources this time. The reason why this chapter was the hardest is because I had to put the pieces together all on my own, so I don't really know if anyone else has yet. I gathered information from a huge amount of places, from talking to people directly, to reading blogs, to articles in psychological journals, educational websites, but I can't really say that I've said anything here that really relies on any of them to stand up. Most of what I've said here is either my own take on things, or easily found through Google, so I'll ask you to forgive me for being so bold as to simply leave this as is.
